I talked to someone on Instagram that was showing a picture of them from the past when they were “tiny”. This made me think about my photo album called “Wasting Away” I have on Facebook. It was public at first but then I changed to only I can see it. I have thought long and hard lately about what to do with it. It’s really my shame album. It’s pictures of me with my weight. In December of 2010 I was working at Wal-Mart and took a picture with Santa. I just didn’t do full body shots ever back then. Most photos I posted I found ways to edit my body off the picture. Well when I got the picture after wards I can remember how I felt so much shame. I felt like I was just so fat/ugly/disgusting. I decided right then that everything had to change. I started to calorie count like crazy. I became obsessed with everything I did and how many calories it burned. I even would look up how many calories just sleeping used. I would write down everything I ate and did. I didn’t even notice it at first that something triggered my old anorexic habits. My wife/co-workers would ask me sometimes how much I was eating and I would say I am eating enough. I stopped writing everything down. I told myself and others I did this because I learned how much most things are. I actually was doing this because I didn’t want them to see I was living off less and less. It wasn’t uncommon for me to go down to 500 calories in a day. 1000 calories a day became this evil thing in my head. I didn’t deserve a 1000 calories. I ate salads almost for every meal. In the morning I would eat just one or two egg whites and a smoothie. Sometimes I would eat one piece of turkey bacon. This was my days for over a year. Yes I did lost ALOT of weight for a while but then it just stopped coming off. This broke my heart. During my weight loss so many people kept saying things to me. I can remember this one woman that I thought was just SO beautiful. She was so thin and pretty. She told me how it was so nice I lost so much and how she could really tell because my back looked so much thinner. That comment would hunt me for awhile. People would tell me how they were proud of me. They had no idea just how unhappy I was. They had no idea how much pain I was in. So here I am in this picture from December 2010. I am in the upper 270 lbs in this picture. This was the picture I used to fat shame myself for over a year and half. This is the picture I used to look at almost daily to think if I should eat. I thought this picture meant I was worth less than others. All I could see was this HUGE ugly woman! I honestly didn’t know how messed up my view of my body truly was. When I looked at this picture those 6 years ago I saw a HUGE circle with hands, feet, and head sticking out. I didn’t really see actually real shape to myself. My view wasn’t hurt. It wasn’t that I am not fat it was that I saw myself in a way I wasn’t. I didn’t realize how much I held onto that view from my anorexia days. When I saw myself I didn’t truly see myself. I saw something else. It was like every flaw was a million times bigger. It was like you couldn’t see Santa at all. Like he was something in the distance that you wouldn’t normally notice. So now I wonder what should I do with this album it's full of picture of myself. This is part of my story and I just don't know if deleting it is the right thing.